Fat Me

So, yeah.  I'm fat.  Does being fat also make a person lazy?  In a way, yes.  It does.  I struggle to keep my self active.  My mind has a lot more success in coming up with tasks to fill me day.  Goals to accomplish and things to complete.  It is my body that has a difficult time keeping up with the work my mind creates.  But, does this make me lazy?  I don't consider myself a lazy person, but I do think that if I were more fit, I may have more energy.  Get it?  I just usually think of more things to do than I actually do.  I hate this about me.  I want to do more.  I want to not consider myself lazy. 

Up and Down

Down two pounds last week, up three and a half pounds this week.  Sadly, this comes as no big surprise since I have been a human garbage can for food consumption, especially cookies and holiday treats.  I am going the route of homemade Christmas gifts this year, and I am cursed to try every cookie and treat I make.  I know I don't have to do this, but somehow I can't help myself.  My self control mocks me at every bite.


I know my goals.  I know where I want to be and what I don't want to be.  Fat!  Being fat is so much more than bad eating habits.  What about Christmas brings about the complete lack of discression? 


Starting December 26th, we're starting a boot camp for our family.  It will last six weeks.  We did this two years ago and it was the start to a 40 pound weight loss.  Let's hope whatever I lose this time, stays off!

2 pounds

Well, I weighed in this morning.  I only weigh in once a week and it is on Friday mornings.  I almost forgot, which is weird since I was so excited to weigh in last night.  I've been sick the past two weeks and haven't done much in way of exercising.  I've tried to stay more active and watch my food portions, and the scale did move in the right direction - down.  It's just not a great number.  2 pounds.  I'm ok with that given the amount of effort I put into it this week.  I wish it were more, but really, it is a loss.  I'm starting to feel better, health wise.  I still have a lot of chest congestion and cough like crazy over any exertion of energy, but this will pass.  I did very well on my eating this past week.  Well, my husband brought home some ice cream which I did indulge in.  After eating salads most of the week, I figured I could indulge.  Who knows?  Maybe not having the ice cream would have given me three pounds this week instead of two.  Oh well.  I'm a work in progress.  I hope this coming week is a bit better, though I fear until the holidays are over, it may be 2 pounds here, two pounds there.  I'm living life and for once, that is ok with me.  There will always be things in life that I am struggling with, so this month it is the holidays and all the joy (and food) that surrounds them.  Until next week.  :)

I never thought....

I never thought that I would always be the largest, heaviest, fattest, worse yet, most unhealthy girl in the room.  Always. I just didn't think that would be me!  I was very athletic when I was younger.  I took pride and pleasure in being more fit than the boys in our neighborhood.  If I didn't do it better, I did it as well.  This was great, when I was young.  I don't remember what brought about the change.  It seems to me that I always remember having issues with my body from a very young age.   Still, I can't recall an exact moment when I began hating myself. Punishing my body for my hatred of my self.

I can recognize that I must be doing this because I hate myself.  I mean, why would I continue to let myself be fat and unhealthy if I know it is so bad for me?  Why do I continue to eat poorly and allow myself to be blinded to the eventual consequences?  I don't have that answer.  I don't want to kill myself for those of you who worry that this hatred of myself could manifest to cause me harm or harm to another.  I'm in no way interested in that.  I just want to explore the reasons behind my behavior.  Perhaps even change my behaviors.  Recognize triggers and plan better.  Exercise more. 

I love the high of a great workout.  I enjoy working out.  I LOVE feeling the strengths born from hard work and progress.  I just suck at long term.  I don't finish.  Why?  I don't know.  I lost forty pounds last year and have gained it all back.  I need to examine why I allow myself to sabatoge my own existence.  Why can't I see I'm worthy of better health.  Food can be delicious when prepared in a more healthy manner.  I love food.  I love to cook.  I try my best to eat foods in their most whole state.  I falter when I eat fast food.  I don't understand my draw to fast food.  Why do I like the taste so much when I know there is nothing in it for me? I will continue to think about these choices while trying to make better choices.