I never thought....

I never thought that I would always be the largest, heaviest, fattest, worse yet, most unhealthy girl in the room.  Always. I just didn't think that would be me!  I was very athletic when I was younger.  I took pride and pleasure in being more fit than the boys in our neighborhood.  If I didn't do it better, I did it as well.  This was great, when I was young.  I don't remember what brought about the change.  It seems to me that I always remember having issues with my body from a very young age.   Still, I can't recall an exact moment when I began hating myself. Punishing my body for my hatred of my self.

I can recognize that I must be doing this because I hate myself.  I mean, why would I continue to let myself be fat and unhealthy if I know it is so bad for me?  Why do I continue to eat poorly and allow myself to be blinded to the eventual consequences?  I don't have that answer.  I don't want to kill myself for those of you who worry that this hatred of myself could manifest to cause me harm or harm to another.  I'm in no way interested in that.  I just want to explore the reasons behind my behavior.  Perhaps even change my behaviors.  Recognize triggers and plan better.  Exercise more. 

I love the high of a great workout.  I enjoy working out.  I LOVE feeling the strengths born from hard work and progress.  I just suck at long term.  I don't finish.  Why?  I don't know.  I lost forty pounds last year and have gained it all back.  I need to examine why I allow myself to sabatoge my own existence.  Why can't I see I'm worthy of better health.  Food can be delicious when prepared in a more healthy manner.  I love food.  I love to cook.  I try my best to eat foods in their most whole state.  I falter when I eat fast food.  I don't understand my draw to fast food.  Why do I like the taste so much when I know there is nothing in it for me? I will continue to think about these choices while trying to make better choices.