Moving day...

I just wanted to post that I decided to move my blog to tumblr. 

You can find future posts at http://therealityofafatme.tumblr.com/

Putting this day to bed

It has been a long day.  I won't lie, today was a struggle from start to finish.  My body is not used to being more active, and it is in full rebellion mode today.  My body aches.  Not so good since I haven't even added any strength training yet.  Apparently (mostly) running that mile yesterday did this chubby lady in.  Perhaps the wii exercising is catching up to me as well.  Who knows? 

Most likely it's because my body went from the comfort of the computer chair to running, wii, and actively searching out things to stay moving.  Body, I hear your protests.  They are duly noted.  One day you will thank me for the slight pain of today.  I promise to cause you more pain and discomfort in this journey to better health and fitness. 

That is why I still walk/ran a mile today.  I'll admit, it may have been a little more walking than running, but I still accomplished it.  I was miserably happy to get my butt onto the treadmill and MOVE.  So, score one for me.  In my eyes, I am improving already.  In an instance where I previously would have excused myself and waited until tomorrow to complete my goal, I kicked procrastinations ass and got it done.  I also squeezed in wii with my love. 

In preparation for tomorrow, I have all of my workout clothing ready to go.  My ipod is charged and filled with motivating songs.  I am not putting off my run tomorrow.  I'm going to tackle it head on first thing in the morning.  Day three!   

I ran? I ran. Holy moley, I ran!

Today marks the open ended possibilities of a new year.  It is 2012.  Happy New Year! 


I did not start a new year's resolution to diet, but I have been working out for a few days now.  I did, however, decide to make a deal with myself to run at least one mile a day.  And today, this very new day of a brand spanking new year, I ran.  Wait, the way I feel about myself here on day one of a completed 1/2 moderate pace walk, half run of a mile, is amazing and it should read: I ran!! 


I'm very proud of myself even though I know this is only one time.  It is a beginning.  One I have begun before, but I have so much hope for 2012, that I just have to believe that this time will be my time.  I'm not looking to be super model skinny, or never eat bad foods again, but I am looking for a more fit me.  I'm so out of shape that if I truly needed to fight for my life, I may not physically be able to do so.  Survival of the fittest, and sadly I'm not fit.  Or heatlhy.


Anyway, it was so hard to keep moving on that treadmill where I clocked my first mile of a hopefully at least 365 mile trek for the year.  Plus 13.1 glorious miles when I complete my first half marathon. 


I am working with Paul to set up concrete, workable goals.  Let's face it, I love junk food.  I can't say I won't eat it, but I will try to eat it a lot less often.  I will try to think about how the food I eat will nourish my body. 


I hope by working on my fitness, I will become a more healthy, energetic, and overall happier person.  I get so sad at times due to the physical side of my body.  It is hard to look in the mirror, to wear clothes I like, to not feel horrible when we have social events to go to and I have to wear clothes I don't feel comfortable in, or worse yet, clothes that just aren't me.  I want to go into a store and buy any shirt, pants, dress I want.  I want to get photographed and love how I look.  I'm tired of being the chick in pictures who always looks horrible.  I hate being so judgemental about myself, but the reality is, I am.  Because of all of this, I'm searching for happiness.  I want to find happiness.  I will find happiness.


I did my part today.  I ran!  I'm hoping to get another half hour of the wii in and continue this pattern for a long time.  So, after reading this, you know what it is like for an obese woman to run toward her thinner future.

Fat Me

So, yeah.  I'm fat.  Does being fat also make a person lazy?  In a way, yes.  It does.  I struggle to keep my self active.  My mind has a lot more success in coming up with tasks to fill me day.  Goals to accomplish and things to complete.  It is my body that has a difficult time keeping up with the work my mind creates.  But, does this make me lazy?  I don't consider myself a lazy person, but I do think that if I were more fit, I may have more energy.  Get it?  I just usually think of more things to do than I actually do.  I hate this about me.  I want to do more.  I want to not consider myself lazy. 

Up and Down

Down two pounds last week, up three and a half pounds this week.  Sadly, this comes as no big surprise since I have been a human garbage can for food consumption, especially cookies and holiday treats.  I am going the route of homemade Christmas gifts this year, and I am cursed to try every cookie and treat I make.  I know I don't have to do this, but somehow I can't help myself.  My self control mocks me at every bite.


I know my goals.  I know where I want to be and what I don't want to be.  Fat!  Being fat is so much more than bad eating habits.  What about Christmas brings about the complete lack of discression? 


Starting December 26th, we're starting a boot camp for our family.  It will last six weeks.  We did this two years ago and it was the start to a 40 pound weight loss.  Let's hope whatever I lose this time, stays off!

2 pounds

Well, I weighed in this morning.  I only weigh in once a week and it is on Friday mornings.  I almost forgot, which is weird since I was so excited to weigh in last night.  I've been sick the past two weeks and haven't done much in way of exercising.  I've tried to stay more active and watch my food portions, and the scale did move in the right direction - down.  It's just not a great number.  2 pounds.  I'm ok with that given the amount of effort I put into it this week.  I wish it were more, but really, it is a loss.  I'm starting to feel better, health wise.  I still have a lot of chest congestion and cough like crazy over any exertion of energy, but this will pass.  I did very well on my eating this past week.  Well, my husband brought home some ice cream which I did indulge in.  After eating salads most of the week, I figured I could indulge.  Who knows?  Maybe not having the ice cream would have given me three pounds this week instead of two.  Oh well.  I'm a work in progress.  I hope this coming week is a bit better, though I fear until the holidays are over, it may be 2 pounds here, two pounds there.  I'm living life and for once, that is ok with me.  There will always be things in life that I am struggling with, so this month it is the holidays and all the joy (and food) that surrounds them.  Until next week.  :)

I never thought....

I never thought that I would always be the largest, heaviest, fattest, worse yet, most unhealthy girl in the room.  Always. I just didn't think that would be me!  I was very athletic when I was younger.  I took pride and pleasure in being more fit than the boys in our neighborhood.  If I didn't do it better, I did it as well.  This was great, when I was young.  I don't remember what brought about the change.  It seems to me that I always remember having issues with my body from a very young age.   Still, I can't recall an exact moment when I began hating myself. Punishing my body for my hatred of my self.

I can recognize that I must be doing this because I hate myself.  I mean, why would I continue to let myself be fat and unhealthy if I know it is so bad for me?  Why do I continue to eat poorly and allow myself to be blinded to the eventual consequences?  I don't have that answer.  I don't want to kill myself for those of you who worry that this hatred of myself could manifest to cause me harm or harm to another.  I'm in no way interested in that.  I just want to explore the reasons behind my behavior.  Perhaps even change my behaviors.  Recognize triggers and plan better.  Exercise more. 

I love the high of a great workout.  I enjoy working out.  I LOVE feeling the strengths born from hard work and progress.  I just suck at long term.  I don't finish.  Why?  I don't know.  I lost forty pounds last year and have gained it all back.  I need to examine why I allow myself to sabatoge my own existence.  Why can't I see I'm worthy of better health.  Food can be delicious when prepared in a more healthy manner.  I love food.  I love to cook.  I try my best to eat foods in their most whole state.  I falter when I eat fast food.  I don't understand my draw to fast food.  Why do I like the taste so much when I know there is nothing in it for me? I will continue to think about these choices while trying to make better choices.